Welcome and make yourself comfortable. It’s a rare occasion for me to write about myself (thank you, Silvia from Mandali Retreat Centre, for positively challenging me :)), so I do so with a hint of hesitation.

I’d like to share something that has shaped my life: four decades of asking one simple question — Who am I?

Along the way, there have been glimpses of clarity, periods of confusion, years of searching, and plenty of laughter and tears. Through it all, I have discovered that awakening to our authentic Self can be deeply human, wonderfully ordinary and surprisingly fun.

There are moments in life when everything changes because something simple and direct shifts within us.

It happened to me during a therapy session in the early 1980s. I was practising Voice Dialogue, a technique of moving between different cushions that represented the many voices within me. Each cushion offered a different part of myself with something to say. Eventually, I sat on the cushion representing the Observer. Suddenly, my mind became completely still. Everything became bright and clear. I felt vast, powerful and unmistakably myself. It was as though I had bumped into my true nature without warning.

The experience surprised me so much that I fell off the cushion. And just like that, the moment passed. Yet I knew I had experienced something beyond my usual personality, history and internal conversation. I wanted more. I wanted to find my way back there.

Pawning My Guitar for Enlightenment

Since the age of ten, I had dreamed of becoming a rock star. Music was my passion, and the guitar had been my way of expressing myself.

However, after that glimpse during the Voice Dialogue session, enlightenment seemed considerably more interesting. So I pawned my guitar and left for India.

I found myself living in an ashram, sitting at the feet of a guru and desperately trying to “get it.” I was hungry for truth. I meditated, listened, studied and threw myself into my very first self-inquiry experience.

Absolutely nothing happened in the way I had hoped. My mind was still thinking, and I didn’t reach that clear space I had touched before. I wanted to understand consciousness and know what enlightenment felt like as a living, day-to-day experience. Most of all, I longed for the freedom from mental and emotional suffering that I imagined enlightenment would bring. I kept going.

I also had some fun there. Living with like-minded friends was refreshing. I was a wee bit rebellious and often found my own creative way through the rules and regulations of ashram life.

Early one morning, three friends and I realised it was April Fool’s Day. We concocted a plausible story, set up a small stall beside the front gate and began selling toilet passes to arriving guests.

We explained very convincingly that the money would be used to hire toilet cleaners. The idea was so convincing that even some of the ashram leaders congratulated us on the initiative.

The following day, the joke was revealed. Those same holy people were considerably less enthusiastic.

Many people appreciated the joke and found it hilarious. Others were offended and felt we had crossed a line. (I even came very close to being thrown out of the ashram.) The contrast surprised me. The same act brought warmth and laughter from some people, and irritation and disapproval from others.

Until then, I had imagined that spiritual people would live in a permanent state of serenity and acceptance. Somewhere inside me, I also expected that if I was sincere, playful and well- intentioned, everyone would like me.

This experience revealed something more honest. People perceive life through their own personalities, values and sensitivities. Each person responds according to their own experience of the world.

That April Fool’s joke became an unexpected lesson. I began to see how much of my idea of enlightenment had been projected onto the people around me. I had placed them on a pedestal and expected them to embody my image of perfection. My understanding began to change. Enlightenment felt much simpler, more human and closer to home.

The Search Continues

I spent the following years exploring meditation, therapy, spiritual teachings and consciousness. Like many seekers, I believed that the right teacher, technique or breakthrough would eventually bring me to a permanent state of peace.

Much as I tried, I failed to find anything that could give me that state of wellbeing. Eventually, I found myself back in Scotland, where I decided to return to education and complete my degree in computing.

Back to the Guitar

In 2004, while living a fairly ordinary life, something happened that deeply changed me. By then, I had more or less given up the search. The intensity had softened, and I had bought a new guitar that became my meditation.

Then, quite accidentally, I learned that an old friend was running the Enlightenment Intensive retreat. With nothing to lose, I felt drawn to go, booked a spot and off I went.

The technique used in an Enlightenment Intensive is simple. You sit facing a partner who gives you the instruction, “Tell me who you are.” For five minutes, you contemplate the question and communicate whatever arises. Your partner remains silent and gives you their complete attention until the bell rings, and then you swap roles.

This continues for forty minutes, followed by a break or another activity.

With around ten dyads each day, I found that the process gently and effectively cleared my mind. My body softened and opened. I felt calm, deeply present and as though something was quietly touching me.

On the third day, I was sitting in the garden during a break, enjoying the space to let go and relax. And then I popped. For one unmistakable moment, every idea I had carried about myself gave way to an undeniable direct experience.

I felt whole. Connected. Completely comfortable in my own skin.

The satisfaction was profound. Nothing needed adding. Nothing needed changing. I was fully here, meeting myself directly.

The experience was even deeper than the original “cushion” glimpse from two decades earlier. This time, I had the maturity and awareness to recognise what was happening. It was a precious and wonderful moment.

And Then the Peace Wore Off

For around three months, life flowed with extraordinary ease.

My mind was quiet. I felt deeply connected to myself. Decisions arose naturally. I moved through life with a spacious confidence and a profound sense of wellbeing.

Then, gradually, pressure and stress crept back into my day-to-day life.

I found this to be really annoying. I had finally found what I had been searching for, and now it seemed to be slipping away.

Yet the experience had profoundly changed the direction of my life. I had discovered something real, and I felt determined to understand the conditions that had allowed it to happen.

I became enchanted by the Enlightenment Intensive process, so brilliantly formulated by Charles Berner, and attended every Intensive I could find.

I went again and again, year after year, sometimes two or three times a year, to understand how the process worked and, especially, how direct experience could become integrated into everyday life.

Through this commitment, the feeling I had been reaching for started to feel more solid. I had settled into my Self and finally found the peace I was looking for.

What Has Changed Now I’m an Old Timer?

The learning continues, and I greet each morning with gratitude for a dependable sense of ease. I continue to learn and expand. I still have emotions and preferences. I still become impatient. I still get pissed off. A close friend once described me as a “mother hen” because of my tendency to worry too much about the people I care for.

My humanity remains. The quality of my relationship with myself has changed. I have more contact with what is arising within me. I have more space around my thoughts and feelings. I have greater choice in where I place my attention and how I respond. Fear has far less influence over my life.

Difficult thoughts arise less often now, and they carry much less authority. I can meet them, understand them and allow them to move on. More and more, there is a feeling that life is unfolding exactly where it needs to.

Making Presence a Daily Practice

Today, I believe this is one of the most valuable skills we can develop. This has become the heart of my journey and the work I love sharing with others.

The Enlightenment Intensive remains one of the most powerful environments I have found for directly experiencing our authentic Self. Over the years, I have distilled many of the practices and insights from this work into accessible ways of supporting people in everyday life. My bumpy road has taken me from a therapy cushion to an ashram in India, through decades of meditation, inquiry, laughter, frustration and discovery. I see the value in every step of this amazing journey.

Who am I now? Old but cool!

I feel the real invitation is to keep asking and to allow each moment to reveal the answer. It seems that this journey is never-ending and that life is supposed to be fun.

Well, mostly!

Peter is an experienced spiritual guide with more than 40 years experience of personal development and spiritual guidance. He divides his time hosting Meditation and Enlightenment Intensive Retreats and creating Guided Meditation and Conscious Music recordings. Peter is the founder of The Drunken Monk project connecting spirituality with daily life.